Crucial Conversations:

Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

 Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillian, R., and Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high. New York: McGraw-Hill. 

Crucial Conversations is a “how to” book for communicating in high-stakes situations. The authors are trying to teach their readers to abandon their natural fight or flight response and, instead, learn how to dialogue. In this book, dialogue is the free flow of meaning between people that creates a shared pool of understanding. When dialogue occurs, all participants can end up benefiting from the conversation.

The majority of the book consists of seven tools the reader can use to manage his/her emotions and learn to understand the other as well as be understood. These tools are briefly summarized as follows:

1. Start with Heart tells us to step back from the volatility of the situation and consider what we really want. When we are able to do this, we shift blood back to our brain and are more likely to keep our emotions under control.
2. Learn to Look means watching for when others do not feel safe as well as your own style under stress. When people do not feel safe the react with silence or violence. Each person has a typical way they respond when they feel unsafe. We must train ourselves to recognize these reactions for what they are.
3. Make it Safe discusses that once we realize that the other is not safe, we must work to restore safety. This can be accomplished by apologizing, explaining what you do and do not want, or reestablishing a mutual purpose for the conversation.
4. Master my Stories is about how emotions are created and can be mastered. When others act, we tell ourselves a story about the meaning of the action. Depending on the story we tell, we have an emotional reaction. Our stories tend to victimize ourselves and villianize others. When we master our stories we learn to tell the rest of the story.
5. State my Path is how we tell our side of the story. The authors encourage sharing facts first, then adding our interpretation. In this process we also need to ask the other for his/her understanding of the situation.
6. Explore Other’s Paths is being curious about why the other person is reacting the way he/she is. In this process, we help the other person retrace the path that made him/her arrive at the conclusion.
7. Move to Action means making a decision about where to go from the conversation. The parties involved must determine who will do what by when. It is also important to follow up on these decisions.

Taken together, these seven tools redefine important conversations. Those who are able to take the advice of Crucial Conversations will find themselves able to communicate what is important to them, increase the shared pool of meaning, and keep cool even when the stakes are high.

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